LIFE

I am a mom. You may not be able to see my baby, but he/she is about 14 weeks, 3 days old and just learned how to grimace, frown, squint, and pee. My baby was never merely a "bunch of cells", or simply a "product of conception". My baby was a miracle.

We had been trying to get pregnant since the day I got off the pill- October 9, 2006. After 4.5 agonizingly nightmarish years and a lifetime of pain and tears, Randy and I learned on December 17, 2010 that we were parents to a baby that most of the world wouldn't consider anything other than the "bunch of cells" or "products of conception" that I mentioned above. It was and is so much more to me- to us. It IS A MIRACLE.

I am not afraid to admit that I find inspiration in the saddest moments of life. The "never give up" attitude was introduced to at me at the tender age of 13 when my dad was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. However, I think that my "never give up" attitude came through genetics- I have always been as stubborn as my father, and if I set my mind to something and make a goal, I try and try again until that goal is completed or another goal has taken over. God has had to show me MANY times that the goals I have had in mind were not His goals, and it's been a very painful lesson (one that I learned the past 4+ years all over again). But I digress.... I found inspiration in my dad's death when I was two months shy of my 16th birthday- I NEVER wanted his death to be in vain. I decided then that some kind of good and glory to God would come out of it.

Fast forward to 2006- I graduated 2 colleges, married the Christian man of my dreams- and got my first nursing job on an oncology floor. I found/find inspiration in the daily struggles I see at work, and am blessed by all the patients I come into contact with (some more than others- ha!) but I feel like, in a way, my dad's death has been turned into something GOOD and of GOD. Inspiration through sadness, once again.

When I started realizing that I had a fertility problem, all I could think was "God-why this? Why can't I just have this one thing?" At first, I was trusting and believing that God would make this happen for us. I ignored people who meant well but would tell me "just relax" or "stop trying and it'll happen". Then as the pregnancy test would be negative and I would see failure come out of me into a toilet month after month, I began to pull away from God and I just got angry. Disappointed. I stopped trying alright, but it wasn't to have kids. I stopped trying to have a relationship with God.

Many cycles of Clomid, insemination, shots, and ultrasounds later, and we were still unsuccessful. October 13, 2010 found me on a operating room table with a scope and tools inside me, trying to locate the "problem" of my infertility. Eureka! A little endometriosis shaved off, and a nice 2 week long recovery, and my doctor told me she'd like to do one more cycle of Clomid and insemination in a "last ditch effort" before going on to the most extreme fertility treatment- IVF.

It was then when I started really praying again. Opened a line of communication between myself and God. He never left me or stopped trying to get a hold of me, I was just ignoring his calls. I decided to read my Bible again, and after meeting with my spiritual guidance counselor (ha ha - I'm sure my good friend Suzie would love her new title!!), I opened my Bible and out fell a bulletin of a sermon I had taken notes on back in 2001. In my OWN WRITING- at the top- was "God's timing is ALWAYS perfect!!!" and underneath it "Romans 12:12". I looked up the verse through tears- and excitement because WOW! God used ME to talk to MYSELF after 9 years!!! Romans 12:12 says "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer". Ok, God had my attention. Which gets Satan's attention too.

The very next time I drove to work that same week, I was listening to some crap hip-hop music and I felt God say to me "Change the station". I did, to Christian music. Right away I felt attacked- like all these thoughts were going through my head about how I'm not good enough to be a mom, and it'd be better for my inlaws if I weren't alive because at least Randy could give them grandkids with someone else" etc... Horrible things. I loudly rebuked Satan in my car and the thoughts and feelings of desparation left- and I went on driving to work listening to my Christian music, as I have every day since then. It has truly made a difference in my mood going into working the difficult job I do- and I am full of God's peace at the start of my shift!

One more attempt at fertility treatments before moving on to the "Biggie" (a.k.a. In vitro fertilization)- was on Dec 1st and 2nd 2010. Prior to and during the insem I was completely relaxed, I had people praying for me, and I really felt like it was in God's hands. He's never left me. I declined a vaccination the week after, telling the employee health nurse to stop- moments before she put the needle in my arm- because I could be pregnant. I was confident in my words. My beloved husband took me out for all you can eat sushi the week of our final insemination- and I thought "This hopefully will be the last time I will eat sushi for 9 months"! It was!

December 17, 2010 I found out we were pregnant on the floor of our bedroom with my beloved by my side. There weren't enough tears of joy as we called everyone we knew to tell them the miraculous news. Hope was/is ALIVE! Our ultrasounds have been great, I graduated from my fertility doctor about 8 weeks along since I was doing so well. My OB doc is awesome and is part of the family of doctors I loved and worked with down at my first job in LA at Cedars Sinai. I haven't had any morning sickness (other than my tummy not feeling so great after eating Lean Cuisines!). No pukage! Everything's great.

I went shopping for maternity clothes 2 weekends ago and spent $207. I am already having to wear the pants and a couple of shirts. :-) My Indiana baby shower planning is already under way, and I did a lot of cleaning of closets these past two days- my first "nesting" experience, perhaps?

I will NEVER forget my experience of infertility. The want- the need- the desire- the feelings of failure- the doubt-the tears- the hope that got destroyed month after month. I do and will find inspiration in the sadness I experienced. Some people have said "Wasn't it all worth it?" Um...no. In my opinion, that's like saying to a widow who's getting remarried "wasn't it worth your first husband dying so that you could meet and marry this new guy?". NO! It doesn't make it worth it, but let me tell ya: it makes you realize just how special life is. I sure do know how to count my blessings and to thank God properly for the LIFE and those in my life He has given me. I don't deserve all the love- who does? But God didn't give up on me, even when I tried to give up on him.

I am now going to go to the bathroom, knowing it will be the first of many trips to that room I will make tonight, lay down in bed next to my beloved, tell my baby how much he/she is loved, turn onto my side, and thank God before I go to sleep for my LIFE.